Wednesday, November 02, 2005
2:03 AM
I knew it could never be. I have to just accept the truth. But sometimes the truth is too hard to handle. I just need someone to share it with. Where did everyone go. I'm just lost and confused. Someone please help me understand. I know it can never be that way. It hurts me to understand it but i know i have to. It's not morally right for me to live life like this. But sometimes u have to. sometimes i have to. it isnt easy but it's the journey that counts n not the destination. I cant b bothered to find out wad my life leads to. i only ,know that wad i'm doing now it killing my insides.
I knew it could never be.
But i have to accept the truth.
And u have to accept me the way i am.
It will be hard for me to change.
and i have gone through enuf harships.
i cant go on.i really cantWhat's life without a meaning? What's life without a destiny?
What's life without a destination?
What's life without a soul?
What's life without her?
i cant go on like this.
i really cant.
i want to change
but i cant
i just cant
If you always do what u always did
You will always get what u always got
What have i been doing?
What have i been getting?
All this time i tried. i get nothing.
I try again. i get nothing.
No use trying now is there?
No use blogging about it either.
i just wanna pour out my feelings to someone out there but no one will lsiten to the small insignificant guy.
it's already 1.39 am as i type this sentence.
I'm still up.
I'm still here
No use asking me y i'm like this.
I dunno either.
She does though.
DONT ask me y i'm like this.
i'll roll my eyes and i will DAO u.
i swear i will.
for all those out there who know wad to do or use against me which will make me crack or give way, pls dun use it. u know i cant say no.
everyone has their weaknesses. it's just that i have more than average.
i wanna live life as the receiver for once maybe... and not as the giver... y isnt anyone MY giver? y am i ALWAYS the giver?
i mean, no one appreciates wad i do in life. I only can do so much for others just to earn their friendship. is this wad friendship is all about? I seriously dont think so. or at least i hope not. for i have been the victim of these 'friendships' for way to long. i can no longer take it anymore u know?
everyone has their snapping point, their cracking point.
I can no longer sit here and pretend nothing is wrong.
i can no longer sit here and pretend i aint hurt.
i can no longer sit here and pretend what u did or said didnt affect me.
i can no longer sit here and pretend i'm okay.
i cant even say it anymore. those words:
i'm okay, dont worry about me, i dont want to burden u with my problems. dont bother about me.
those words are like my excuses. my excuses to live another day without people getting hurt cuz of me.
i nvr want people to get hurt cuz of me.
the only solution to that problem is to just sit here n shut up. that's what i shall do. i shall sit here and pretend life nvr existed.
i just dont want people to get hurt cuz of me or my problems. i dont want people to b burdened with my problems. i just want everybody to be happier.
as much as i cant take it. the only way i can keep my superficial friendships r though giving. i can nvr receive. u know sometimes people want to be needed...
i think i can like nvr experience that.
ever.
the feeling of being needed is a wonderful one. cant i just experience it for once? make my life happier please.
i can no longer pretend i can live life alone.
i need someone to talk to.
i need someone who actually understands.
understands me,
understands the problems i go through,
understand wad kinda life i have to go through
Those who wanna know y i'm pissed at the same time, pls refer to my older post.
she was just too good 4 me.
so what if i like her?
no one cares.
i dun care anymore.
she's just too good for me.
o well.
she's out of my league.
but i'm still trying.
and i'm still here
i believe it when people tell me that God has a purpose for everyone ,of us, to glorify him.
So wad's my use here? How, HOW ON EARTH am i supposed to glorify him? or even anyone? by offering him the little things i have in my life? my handiwork? now who gives a f*cking damn about my handiwork. dammit i have nothing.
my friends mean so much to me. u can never imagine. but do i mean as much to them? in the many yrs to come, would they remember me? as the guy everyone constantly picked on in pri sch for being lousy in chinese? the guy who picked on everyone else for picking on him for being lousy in chinese?
my life is screwed up
but i cant stop now.
life is the journey, not the destination.
please make my journey count.
i get philosophical when i get depressed.
i hate it.
people can notice that i'm depressed when i get philosophical.
i dont want to leave clues.
i want everybody to live life happy
i want to see everybody happy.
i want to make sure that everyone's happy
i just want everybody to understand me a little better.
my life aint going right.
n btw, i wont forget u.
i wont do anything stupid.
but that doesnt maen i'm smart either.
Think About It.Think of the ways i affected your life,
well...
when u do,
come tell me,
amuse me,
for i cant think of anything either.
Cause Obviously,
she's outta my league,
i'm wasting my time,
cuz she'll never be mine,
and i know i'll never be good enough for her..
Think about it...
Ciao